I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize