Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize