sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
