your parents love me but you hate me
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize