I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I touched a dick in church today
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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