I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
