If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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