I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
