An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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