You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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