just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You have to summon your inner elephant
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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