First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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