Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
But theres a keg here and me gusta
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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