Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just fell off a train. Bad.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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