I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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