The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I have already put on my inside pants.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize