you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
