"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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