I feel great
I just peed on a car
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We have so much sex to catch up on
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
