I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
