omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
He kissed a someone with a penis
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
