You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
