so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
