new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
