I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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