First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I need a beard to bite.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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