man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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