Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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