I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
