So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
