Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
