please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Houston, we have a squirter
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
