I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
