Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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