I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
