I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
