He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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