soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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