I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
