It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
