you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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