Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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