nut hugger
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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