I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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