I only kidnapped one of them. chill
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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