I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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