She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
