Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
