1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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