He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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