i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Randomize
