We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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