the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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