so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
