It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
