The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
