I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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