Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
