Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
