I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize