I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize